Every episode of a TV show written by Julian Fellowes

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Bottom to bottom

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: I’m worried about Rich Lady.

OTHER HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Do not be. She’s rich, isn’t she?

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Being rich doesn’t mean her horse can’t die/her husband can’t die/she can’t die/she can wear a hat.

BUTLER: Stop arguing, you two! Someone has to bring this duck liver blancmange to the dining room on the double!

OTHER HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Hum! (Exits to the kitchen)

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Sigh! (Take the tray and go out the stairs)

BUTLER: In my day, people were even happy to be able to smell a duck liver blancmange! (Exit in the hallway)

From bottom to top

RICH LADY: Oh, I’m overwhelmed by the mess in my life.

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Even if my problems are more serious than yours, I will listen kindly to your story of pampered misfortune.

RICH LADY: Misfortune!

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Poor you. Let me arrange your hair in a particular way.

RICH LADY’S HUSBAND🙁burst) I’m angry about the same issue that upset you. (sees Maid, very politely) Excuse us, please, if you don’t mind, terribly kind of you, thank you, thank you.

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Of course, of course, on my honor, I’m sorry, sir. (exits)

RICH LADY: No need to take this tone with my servant.

RICH LADY’S HUSBAND: I am so angry. I will now make the same point about the question I raised earlier.

RICH LADY: I will also summarize my point of view.

(Cut to: a maid standing in front of RL’s door, shaking her head sadly.)

Top to bottom

YOUNGER RICH LADY🙁enter the kitchen)

ALL SERVANTS: AWESOME DAYTIME IN THE MORNINGMRS. WHAT BRING YOU DOWN HERE FOR OUR SLUMS?!?

BUTLER: Ma’am, can I please quickly escort you back to your proper home area before you get a working class on you?

YOUNGER RICH LADY: Oh, but I wanted to thank you / learn how to make potatoes / ask for your help / see how the boy is who burned his head making my fire this morning.

ALL SERVANTS: WHAT BREATHTAKING KINDNESS. WE ARE AGOG

YOUNGER RICH LADY: Okay, then, thank you. (exits)

BUTLER: In my time, when one of the masters chose to talk to us, we slaughtered a bird in gratitude! How lucky we are!

ALL SERVANTS: Huzah!

From floor to floor

RICH LADY🙁enter the room of the rich young woman) What news ! Young Hot Rich Guy writes to tell us that he will be visiting us soon!

YOUNG RICH LADY: Why should I care? Times have changed, Mother!

RICH LADY: But Young Hot Rich Guy will make a million billion pounds/dollars next year, thanks to his inheritance/horses/ethically risky business in South America.

YOUNG RICH LADY: What do I care about his millions of millions? Tell my sister!

SLIGHTLY LESS ATTRACTIVE CORN ALWAYS PRETTY ONE ENOUGH FOR ALL ORDINARY GOALS YOUNGER SISTER: Tell me what? I just got back from riding in the car / showing off my ankles / letting the milliner talk me into putting three feathers on my hat instead of the more acceptable two / starting a laudanum addiction.

RICH LADY: Young Hot Rich Guy is going to visit! And now I’m going to make a comment about the women who will land badly with our 21st century audience.

SLIGHTLY LESS ATTRACTIVE CORN ALWAYS PRETTY ONE ENOUGH FOR ALL ORDINARY GOALS YOUNGER SISTER: And I will counter that with a point of view that there is no conceivable way that I would have had unless I was a time traveler, but that will show me that I am in alignment with core beliefs public.

RICH LADY’S HUSBAND🙁burst) Just jumping in to make a general statement about race. So I can learn a lesson later in this episode. See you at dinner! (leaves, almost jostling the Servant, entering)

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m here to apply literally $10,000 worth of jewelry to your head, if you don’t mind?

YOUNG RICH LADY: You all leave, because I will never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, ever marry a rich and sexy young man. Servant, you can stay and listen to my woes.

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: What happiness!

Ground floor to ground floor II

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: I still worry about Rich Lady.

OTHER HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Dont be ! She’s rich, isn’t she?

BUTLER: Didn’t you talk about it earlier in this episode?

OTHER HOUSEWORK SERVANT: It was the last episode.

BUTLER: It blurs together for me. I wish we had a subtext. Instead, we keep saying the same plot points until it’s resolved at the end of the season. Oh, well, would any of you bring that truffle-shelled turtle soup to the dining room? Do do not make eye contact with anyone, including the turtle!

OTHER HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Hum! (trips to the kitchen)

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Sigh! (exits to the stairs, carrying a soup tureen, eyes closed)

A day outside—Down

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Imagine us in town buying candy, like real human beings with their free will! What will I say to myself mom / my father / the priest / the black person to whom I condescend?

EMBITTERED MALE SERVANT: I am locked up / suffer from PTSD / embezzle funds from our employer / in love with a goose, but I can’t say it out loud. I’ll walk just three steps behind everyone else and look somber.

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Oh, I think I see Young Rich Lady.

OTHER HOUSEWORK SERVANT: Well, go on. Say hello!

HOUSEWORK SERVANT: I could never. But after she leaves this store, I’ll go ask them if I can pick up some dirt she’s walked on and put in a bag under my pillow.

BUTLER🙁nods once approvingly)

ALL SERVANTS: HUZZAH, THE IS A PARADE WHERE THE WAR EAST MORE THANOR ONE CULTIVATE TO DISPLAY WHERE SOMETHING. LET’S TO ASSEMBLE!

(All the minions rush off screen, followed by the embittered minion, glaring.)

A day upstairs

YOUNGER RICH LADY: I can shoot as well as any man.

YOUNG HOT RICH GUY: Oh?

YOUNGER RICH LADY: Which are YOU?

YOUNG HOT RICH GUY: I am Young Hot Rich Guy.

YOUNGER RICH LADY: Good!

YOUNG HOT RICH GUY🙁shoot something)

YOUNGER RICH LADY🙁pull something too)

YOUNG HOT RICH GUY: Good!

RICH LADY’S HUSBAND🙁mounted) Just coming up to tell you both that I learned something about running this episode.

YOUNGER RICH LADY: Congratulations my father!

RICH LADY’S HUSBAND: Come on, you two. The cook made goose!

YOUNG HOT RICH GUY: Huzah!

(Cut to close up of embittered servant, tear rolling down his cheek as he stands beside carving station.)

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Read an interview with Shannon Reed about writing this article.

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